I wish i didn't love you
by princess-confused
Summary: THIS IS BASED on a TRUE story it is actually based on my life about what happened and what is happening. anyways Sakura is madly in love with her brother's best friend Syoaran but doesnt kno how to express it as each day goes by she tends to lose control
1. the beginning

**I wish I didn't love you!**

Disclaimer – I own ccs so sue my pants off.lolz 

**A/N- This aint your average love story guys its based on my life and the incidents that happened to me I thought It was good to make it into ccs style. By the way this whole story is dedicated to halliwells who is like a sister too me even though we just met 2 days ago but I feel as if we have known each other for years, Aisaki Sumi and Fin.KL you guys are cool to talk to and gave me the inspiration after the convo. Lolz**

Sakura's Pov- 

There I was sitting in my room during in the middle of the night saying to myself why do I hate him so much but yet I love with all my heart, why does he make me feel this way and no other guy can? What is it I see in him I don't see in other people and why does he hurt me so much even though he doesn't realise it. Tears come flowing through my eyes as I listen to the song "Let me love you,". I realise the more I hate him the more I love him the more I run away the more I want to be close to him. WHY LORD ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME WHY ARE YOU PUNISHING ME as the thought enters my mind. "I wish I didn't love you" I say to myself silently it is like curse laid on me something I can't escape from. I close my eyes and let the images replay my mind.

**2003 yr8- Sakuras pov-**

"Omg I can't believe you like him," gasped Rika in shock.

"Well I do," I wispered back smiling at her.

"When are you going to tell him?"

"Never."

"Can I tell him?"

"I dunno? if you want to I guess," thinking it wouldn't be too bad but boy I was wrong . School was finished everyone got out just as I was about to go in the corner of my eyes I see Syoaran staring at me with a blank look with Rika.

"Oh no she told him," I thought to myself. I was so embarrased that I ran off as fast as I could when I reached my house I was thnking how I was going to face him properly the next day.

**Review what You think of it.lolz**

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	2. the laughing stock

**Chapter two**

**A/n- In this story the guyTouya playsis my distant cousin but in realife we are like brother and sister in blood cause we love each other like one and and fight like one.**

**Sakuras pov-**

Today at school was very bad everyone was teasing me about him. I turned around and saw Syoaran's face go all red.

"OMG Sakura you like Syoaran omg he's player Sakura he was the first guy in our class to lose his virginity you should be careful if I were you," Chiraru was saying excitingly all in one go. I was seriously pissed at myself I couldn't stand it anymore. I decided to walk straight towards the canteen and I saw all his friends staring and smirking mishievously at me.

"Oooh Sakura's in love with player becareful if I was you cause he can lose your virginity within seconds" said one of the guys.

"It's not as if I heard that before," I sighed to myself.

"Hey guess what everyone Sakura is in love with the drummer!" yelled someone from the canteen.

I couldn't stand it anymore I ran out of the canteen and walked straight infront of the school thinking not many people were there but I was wrong Meilin and Syoaran were there talking to each other I could see Meilin laughing at me(**a/n- The girl who plays Meilin use to have a major crush on him and is not his cousin but best friend in the story I will make Meilin his cousin to make it ccs style.lolz)**

"Sakura come here," Meilin was telling me to come over and probably embarrass me like the rest but i still went over since I was so naive back then.lolz.

"Syoaran likes you to and wants to go out with you isn't that right Syoaran," Meiline laughed wildly.

"Nah thats alright," smirked Syoaran and himself behind pole pretending to be scared of me.

"OMG I DON"T LIKE YOU SYOARAN-LI SO DON"T GET YOUR HOPES UP," I couldn't stande these jerks anymore I felt like slapping them across the face, everything went silent around me I just want to run away from here since all the faces were looking directly at me in the corner ofthe eye I can see Syoaran looking at me all shocked as if he never knew I could shout this loud since I'm very quiet and go to the library all the time to read books. Next thing I know evryone around me cracked up laughing. Bloody banshees I thought to myself and walked away to where Tomoyo was but only to see her talking to Serina this girl who hates me for no reason but instead I found Touya and hugged him Touya was the closest thing to an older brotheer as a matter of fact I label him as my brother through blood even though we are distant cousins. Touya and I are very close I always tell everyone he is my brother rather than distant cousins.

"What's wrong Sakura?" he asked as he read my facial expressions.

"Nothing," I answered and hugged him for comfort I was glad he was always there for me especially when I am going throught tough times and always be no matter what happens.

REVIEW REVIEW! please the story becomes more interesting towards the end and yes all of this did happened to me it was so emabarrasing I swear!


	3. JUst to let you kno

**Just you guyz kno i am going start updating this story more often cause i think this is the best way i could release my pain and emotions i went through it will be more like a diary thing where i can write anything i want in order to put out my emotions. This year a lot of things have happend between me and that guy and others involved. also if i exaggerated the story a lil like my emotions forgive me i will try and make more realistic in order to be on the same level of the readers. ALL the events that have occured in this story is all true and it has left me with a negative effect im still trying to get over the pain and i think the best way to do it is in a form of ccs style.lolz !**

**PLease wait for the updated chapters if anyone wants to ask me any questions about anything feel free and also they might be a a lot grammer errors in my story cause i rushed through it and didnt bother to edit it.lol!**


	4. the changes in me

**Chapter Three**

A/n – Telling you once again this is based on my life this whole love story I just want people to know how falling love with someone can be painful. Also I dedicate this whole chapter tooo Patrick sorry bro I haven't reviewed for blood in the snow and no I am not pissed at u ur ma friend and I luv u.lolzzz! also I have decied to change the names of some of the characters that are related in mah life but some will remain the same.

**Disclaimer- this plot is based on mah life any significance is purely coincidence**

**Sakura's pov-**

**Yr9 2004-**

Today was the first year of Yr 9 nine I couldn't wait to see my friends again I decided to try and forget about the past and act as if Syoaran doesn't exist for me anymore. I look at myself in the mirror and see a plain ugly girl with long messy auburn hair tied up loose wearing pants that looked baggy and a big T-shirt. Oh lord why can't you make me look beautiful so I wouldn't have to carry the burden of ugliness. (LOLz I exaggerated that)

As soon as I enter the school gates I see Syoaran there talking to Meilin, I ignored pretending to care less about them. When we received our timetables turns out everyone in my class last year is going to be there this year including Syoaran.

"Hey Tomoyo are you in my class?" I asked Tomoyo who was chatting happily to Serina.

"Umm let me see Yep I am," she said glowingly. Cool I thought Tomoyo is going to be in my class since I like her a lot as I friend I always thought of her really cool and down to earth.

My first subject was Maths Rika and I took the long way to get there we were laughing and talking about what we did during the holidays. I turned my face forwards and saw Syoaran there in front of the classroom.

" Hey Rika how was your holidays?" asked Syoaran while we were entering the classroom together, I felt a rush of uneasiness and hatred swelling inside my whole body started to shake.

"It was good," answered back Rika.

"How was your holidays Sakura?" asked Syoaran with a smirk imprint on his face.

"None of your business," I shot back at him as I walked pass him.

"Sakura that was rude what you did to Syoaran you know he was only being nice."

"Well he deserved it."

"Did you hear Syoaran is going out with Natasha I reckon they make such a lovely couple."

I was shocked that Natasha and Syoaran were going out when I heard it from Rika's mouth. Well I suppose Natasha is good for him since she is pretty and smart unlike me. lolz!

Natasha was a girl any guy could fall for she had pale smooth fair skin, dark brunette hair and sharp piercing eyes not too mention she was smart.

Her slender arms were wrapped around his elbow while she made her way to the nearby desk.

Natasha and Syoaran were the most talked about thing throughout the whole year like some famous hollywood couple.

I tired my best to avoid a lot of eye contact from Syoaran whenever I was walking past him and he didn't seem to care or at least I thought so.

Two weeks passed already a new girl came to my class her was Elena she had a very innocent face she seemed pretty cool and started hanging around with me also during the past 2 weeks one of my best friend's name Alisha started dating a guy name Aaron he was the same age as me while she was one year older we get along very well too. Things were starting to change for me especially with me making new friends.

People in school started knowing me as the crazy girl who does this silly indian dance, whenever people dare me to do it, also crazy in the sense I was considered very flirtatious as in I will go up to any guy say a couple of corny pick lines and make everyone laugh. So yeah things were going very fine with me well at least I thought they were.


	5. changes in me II

**Chapter 4**

**A/N- Dear readers you might find my character very annoying at the momet.lolz!as in cliché and stuff but that was how was back in year 9 and how I use to interpret things but I slowly my personality tends to mature when I get hurt really badly.**

**My pov-**

Everyday I would come to school with a big smile on my face looking forward in what is happening, I was beginning to form close bonds with many guys in my year especially Kane and Robert. Kane was a big flirt who would do all these stupid things and try to make everyone laugh especially when he flirts with me (by using pick up lines) same with Robert. Robert and I sometimes walk together after school to my street cause his siblings go to the school across my house.

One day in science class Elena started asking me why do I always tie my hair in a messy ponytail (I didn't know how groom myself like the other girls.lolz). She pulled out my elastic band out, started brushing my hair, and told me to leave my hair out more often. When the bell rang I went to go to my maths class everyone looking at me like they didn't recognise me.

"OMG Sakura you look so gorgeous with your hair open you should leave it like this more often," said Ally one of my classmates and Natasha's bestfriend. Natasha also agreed in response too who was sitting beside Syoaran who on the other hand was talking too hand was talking to this guy name Eriol about who's penis was bigger.

"Hey Rika" I greeted her with my happiest smile while she was listening to some music.

"Sakura is that you with you hair open?" a stunned Rika looked at me with her mouth open with shock.

"Nah!its your dad's ghost" I answered sarcastically.

"You look really gorgeous."

"Thank you and you're my gorgeous friend," a making my smile look bigger it was like the first time in my life I was experiencing true beauty in my life (A/N that's jus a load of crap in what I am saying.lolz)

"Hey Sakura do you like anyone in this class?" whispered Elena into my ear

"NO why do you ask?"

"Jus like that," she answered.

"Do you reckon any of the guys here are hot?" asked Elena

"Yeah nearly the whole class," I answered back with full of humour.

"Really? What about that Syoaran guy who is sitting in the back row?" she nudges her elbow pointing her elbow towards him.

My eyes became wide out of shock with the mention of his name. I manage to disagree saying there are better looking guys than him in this class. I slowly turn my head around just to have a little discreet glance at him and to my sudden shock his amber eyes were staring directly at me, I quickly move my eyes the other side, my whole body starts to shake in a strange way making the heartbeat in my body increase. Does that mean Syoaran was staring at me the whole time I began to ask my self while I started replaying the event in my whole head repeatedly.

Few days later I was walking to art with Aaron until someone softly tapped me on the shoulder, I turn my head around only to meet a pair of amber eyes looking into my emerald ones.

"Hey there Sakura," he greeted me in a smooth deep voice only to make my face go all red.

"Umm…hey Syoaran," I blurted out nervously (I was thinking in my head what the bastard wants)

"So how have you been?"

"Alright I suppose," I answered by making the words come out forcefully.

The three of us were walking together in awkward silence I swear to god I wanted to break the silence somehow but could not do it. During Art while I was listening to my teacher's lecture I would sometimes turn my head the other way in order to stretch only to find Syoran staring directly at me. All I could do was move my head quickly and scold myself for no reason. His stares had a huge impact on me it was like they were piercing directly into my soul (A/N It was like one of those moments where you read some fantasy love story and its like weird things revolve around you the heroine)

The next day I went to maths only to find Natasha all gloomy looking, Rika and I went up to her to ask her what was wrong only to find out Syoaran and he broke up. Couldn't believe what I was hearing, Rika was claiming how could they break up if they looked so much in love when they were going out, I was also wondering that too.


	6. ebarassment

**Chapter six**

**MY POV-**

People started to notice I was changing in appearance and personality. Personality wise I was becoming loud before people kinda knew me as pretty quiet and appearance I left my hair open more often fully brushed with neatly my clothes nicely ironed and my pants weren't baggy anymore since my mom bought new pant.lolz! **(My appearance was similar to a school prep except unlike preps my personality was literally crazy I would blurt out the most stupid things people would look at me in a strange way and start laughing whether its at me or with me)**

Manage to change my hairstyle nearly every week and put on heavy eyeliner. I was starting to like the guys attention, but at the same time I would look forward to going to my French class, they were three reasons why **1)** Mrs Dwyer is my fav teacher and French is fun to learn** 2)**I was good at speaking the language and **3)**Talking to Tomoyo.

I had great respect for Tomoyo cause she was different from the other girls and reasonable at things. She told me about her family life also how it has a negative effect on her own life, we also had very much in common but differences I began to admire greatly. **(A/N cause of her she introduced me into ccs and rock music never knew what ccs was b4).** I considered her outside and inside beauty very rare, her skin is a blend of gold and cream combined, her eyes were sharp and piercing and could engage anyone's attention, her hair black as the raven night. She had a unique personality and would speak her mind about anything she knew was just a façade. I would agree with many things she would say cause it made sense and I would sometime see the world like that too.

A few months went by so quickly Elena left Tomoeda to attend a Christian school I found out from Tomoyo, she held a huge crush on Syoaran. Lolz all I could do was laugh. Mrs Dwyer approached me to do a French play and I agreed within seconds my character was of an annoying little girl who begged for lollies** (I had to speak in French).**

While everyone was busy rehearsing Mrs Dwyer gave me some costumes to wear, Tomoyo helped pick some really weird ones to wear. I had a s long sleeved shirt on, with a Minnie jumper that would fit a 7 yr old and a light pink bra on top of it with a small cap to go on my head **(My hair was plaited)**. I definitely looked like some sort of drag queen.lolz.

When rehearsals began I saw a tall figure trying to move a keyboard on to the stage, it was him Syoaran and John **(a classmate of mine known the smartest guy). **I didn't want Syoaran to look at what I was wearing, it was totally embarrassing but to my sudden horror he was standing on the centre of the stage shifting his gaze directly at me and I on other hand did the most honourable thing by gasping in shock and running off. I found an empty corner upstairs I put my hand onto my heart only to find it pumping fast.

I performed my play twice for the juniors and the seniors it became a major success due to my crazy Indian dance and my tantrum throwing as the little kid. Tomoyo and I started hugging one another after it was over we were congratulating one another since Tomoyo had to say speech in front of everyone.

"Hey there Sakura," a smooth voice interrupted us I turned around only to find him again.

"Hey Syoaran," I replied calmly as I could even though inside me I was trembling so much that I could feel my heart beat rapidly and my trembling.

"I liked your performance it was pretty cool," said Syoaran with his eyes gazing into mine directly I felt as if the whole world revolved around the two of us except someone tripped over to ruin this moment I quickly took my eyes off his to see group people trying to help the guy who fell.

I realised I was actually starting to like Syoaran again or maybe I have always had except kept myself in denial. He was in nearly all my classes I would sometimes see him staring at me; while I would always manage to scold myself for staring back, nevertheless smile discreetly to myself.

I would always see him with a bunch of girls surrounded around him in every class and during break times, he would always play basketball.

I told one of my friends in art class I was staring to like Syoaran again I wasn't meant to it just slipped out of my mouth. That friend of mine told her friend Kristen a friend of Rika but not mine really and who also hangs around with Syoaran. Kirsten was very loud spoken and would swear at anyone across, she one of those pretty blonde girls who likes to seek attention and would sometimes pick on me **(A/N- she would make fun of me and say things that would offend me but she has never swore at me like she has with other people cause she always considers me as one of her nicest people).**

I was so embarrass I asked Rika for help to try to cover it up somehow another friend of hers was with us. They told me tell everyone that I am going out with some dude name Tim Murphy, Rika claimed it was some distant cousin of hers** (A/N I believed her.lolz)** who goes to another school. I went along with their stupid plan and told anyone who came up to me to ask whether I liked Syoaran, being the loser I was replied no im going out with Tim Murphy. The girls would look at my face with blank expression and asked whether they were hearing the truth. Next thing I knew bunch girls from my year asked me about Tim Murphy.

"Yes we're going out," I was explaining to this girl name Kylie.

"Since When,"

"Last night I went to my friend house and he asked me out there," I replied I was feeling comfortable that know one is asking me about Syoaran anymore.

"Do you reckon he's hot?" asked one of the girls.

"Offcourse I do damn he has a fine ass you should check it out sometime he is like one of the hottest guys I ever set eyes on."**(A/N I wish never said that.lolz)**

"Sakura reckons he has mad eyebrows," Rika said with her eyes glowing with a tint of mischief.

"Oh yeah you should check out those eyebrows," I started agreeing with Rika not knowing the worst was to come.

"Do you even know who Tim Murphy is?" asked one of my classmates.

"Yeah my boyfriend," I replied with enthusiasm.

"Ummm Sakura your so-called boyfriend with the mad eyebrows is watching you over there," Rika burst out giggling pointing to a guy standing beside the basketball courts.

OMG I was tricked by Rika now I know why everyone was looking at me in a weird way when I was bragging about him. Tim was a very tall guy with half shaven eyebrows as if someone tear them apart he looked like as if he was on drugs or one of those guys who plays the villain in horror movies (**A/N he was not hot no offences he really did look like a monster.lolz)**

"That is not my boyfriend my boyfriend goes to another school," I quickly said only to end up laughing hard out. Everyone around me also started laughing and once again, I was the laughing stock of my year. When I went to go to maths some of the people started gossiping about what happened I mange to crack up laughing and scolding Rika at the same time. Next thing you know everything was silent some of the heads were turned towards the doorway. I slowly turned my head only to see Syoaran standing there (**A/N-OMG I was embarrassed fully I could have killed that guy any moment).** Syoran was wearing a black coat over his uniform and a bandanna wrapped around his head making him looking like a martial artist. His gaze was fixed directly on mine; my heart was beating like hundred horses galloping over the field **(A/N- In other words I was fully shaking like an idiot).** He walked in a calm and swaying manner that would catch any girls' attention and was making his way towards me. All I could was look like a dumb idiot who has been slapped across the face.

"Sakura, Syoaran really likes you," whispered Natasha in a mischief voice, which made my anger boil hard.

"Yeah he does but he told us to keep it a secret," chipped in Rika with a huge grin on he face.

Next thing I knew he sitting on my desk moving his head forward in order to connect with my eyes.

"Hows it going Sakura?" askedSoaran in a calm flirtatious voice **(A/N- swear to god I wanted murder him hard out the whole class was laughing)**

"VERY BAD!"I shot back only to startle him with my weird answer.

"Why Bad Sakura and not good?" asked Syoaran in a questioning voice only to make me blush hard out, the smirk on his stupid face began to spread wider when he saw me all shaky and red.

"Because you're sitting on my desk you bastard, get off!"Iyelled out loudly unable to hide my anger.

"Oooooooooh Syoaran got told badly," said some of the people in my class and some were cheering.

"Wow calm down Sakura I aint here to harm you I'm here to get to know you better," Syoaran said calmly but in His eyes you can see he was enjoying my outburst and so was everyone else.

"So you read books," he said while he picked my maths textbook going through the pages as if he was interested in what he was reading.

"Get off my desk loser," I told him off again while I was pushing him off the edge of my desk, couldn't take it anymore.

"Calm down I'm leaving no need to get all pushy over me," he protested waving his arms in surrender. I sighed a relief when he walked out of the door to fetch a chair from another classroom.

"Far out did you look at the nerves of that idiot," I complained to Rika who was just laughing.

"Hey there sexy looking good from here," I jerked my head up quickly only to find Syoaran's head popping from my window. **(A/N- damn I got startled badly)**

"Get back to class you idiot," I shouted at Syoaran while the whole class started laughing again.

When school ended I was telling one of my close friend name Kristine (**A/N I name her little white filo flower)** about what happened she dared me to go up to him and say something.

When I approached him he was busy talking to Meilin about something soon he acknowledged my presence and tilted his head to my direction.

"I hate you Syoaran-Li" I managed to blurt out before I ran off. When I reached home, I was only thinking about what occurred today damn it was long unexpected day.


	7. payback

**Chapter 7 **

**A/N- I hope everyone is enjoying the story so far any questions feel free to ask me or you can email me on I'm trying to finish what happened to me in year9 and quickly move onto year 10 that where all the main drama begins and also the staring of year 11 which is this year. Sakura and Syoaran may never be together in this story. **

**Disclaimer- This plot is based on my life but the characters aint.lolz! I love Syoaran-li but not the guy whom I portray as him, someday he is going to get hurt (no offences) or maybe he is hurt already that's why he acts cold and a lil awkward towards me at times. **

**Normal Pov- **

After the stupid incident, that occurred Syoaran has been flirting with me when ever he walks past me or I am near him, all I do is swear at him and tell him to get a life. He even tried to start a conversation with me but me being ignorant acts as if he just doesn't exist (A/N- it was payback for making fun of me back in year8). Whenever guys flirted with me, I would flirt back but when it comes to Syoaran, I just treat him like piece of filth. The only reason I did that was cause I was scared I was going to be a victim of his player ways and I was very revengeful for what he did to me in year8.

During history class, I was sitting across Tomoyo while Syoaran was sitting behind me. Tomoyo handed me her notebook to read one of her poems about death, blood and the ugliness of life. My eyes were absorbing every word written on the page until someone distracted.

"Psst Sakura," hissed Syoaran trying to get my attention I turned around to see what he wanted cause it was annoying the hell out of me.

"What are you staring at?" he sarcastically said with a smirk on his face. I gave him a sour look and turned around to continue reading the poem

"Psst Sakura I was only mucking around turn around I wanna ask you something important I wont snub you again promise."

"SHUT UP! Syoaran some people are trying to read you know," I couldn't take it anymore I just had to shout at him. Nearly everyone's eyes were on us the class was suddenly pin drop silence.

"Stop being mean to Syoaran, Sakura he just wants to talk to you as a friend," Kirsten was telling me and so were the other girls next to her I got offended especially when they tried to force me to apologise to him as if I would.

"Why don't you jus put that stupid book down," Kirsten remarked sarcastically trying to offend me.

"Yeah that's right why don't you put the book down and start reading my body language for a start," Syoaran added arrogantly. All I do was look at him like a dumb animal due to his insanely remark who on earth would want to read his body (A/N some of the girls who were next to him looked at him as if he was a hero or something).

Few weeks later I found out Syoaran and Kirsten were going out whenever I would walk past them they would be either holding hands or looking into each others eyes adoringly. It sickened me to the core cause something inside told me it wouldn't last that long. Kirsten would often rub it in my face that she and Syoaran were much in love by making some sarcastic remark she had won the guy of my dreams and he chose her instead of me. She would even try to put my self-esteem down and all Syoaran could was laugh or mock me. I had to admit it hurt me deep down but I would laugh it off and act as if I didn't care. One day Kirsten came up to me in maths started teasing me badly with Syoaran was beside her enjoying himself she said a few words which made me cry inside but I tried not to show my emotions all I did was smile dumbly at her. Next thing I knew she bounced my head hard onto the table it hurt bad inside but yet I didn't show my emotions. When I got home and went onto my bed warm tears came out flowing slowly as I massaged my head softly.

I started talking to god in my head slowly things began, I started talking about how Kirsten hurt me and how she was going to regret it. I also made a promise that someday Syoaran will get his heartbroken badly by someone who will change him for good.

The next day I started spreading rumours he made a girl pregnant making half of my grade believe it was true since he had a reputation of being a player. I even mentioned it to Meilin she started saying stuff like Syoaran would never do that. (A/N-this rumour spread liked wild fire a lot people went up to him asked him all he could was stare at me in disbelief)

I was in my art lesson taking to Kristine and Aaron about my weekend all of a sudden Kristen enters the classroom with a fuming face.

"HOW! Could you Syoaran do this to me?" she was shouting at him, the whole class was watching them with amusement.

"Do what?" Syoaran asked dumbly acting all innocent as if he did nothing bad.

"DON'T YOU DARE ACT SMART WITH ME! Mark told me everything go to hell Syoaran and get fd," She screamed out loudly and took off shutting the door hard.

"What's her problem?" he asked looking directly at me with a smirk on his face.

During recess I found out the whole story, Syoaran was cheating on Kirsten with another girl and she found out from my friend Mark. In the basketball field there was a huge crowd around Kirsten and Syoaran turns out she smashed him hard out.lolz!


End file.
